She saw her life like this::
A stone was thrown into a tranquil pond,
And gentle concentric ripples
Spread in ever-widening circles.
Then, reaching the barrier of the shore,
The waves, now weaker, reversed direction,
And the circles began to shrink
Until the crossing waves died completely,
And once again the pond, so still, reflects
The golden light of the setting sun.

So THIS is a midlife crisis!

I've tried to sit down several times this week to write a blog entry, but I can't seem to focus. Thoughts keep whirling through my mind. I try to pin one down long enough to get a handle on it, but...poof...it's gone! I have a lot on my mind right now. Now if you're a reader from my previous 360 blog, you know that I am (1) a worrier and (2) a bit on the morose side. So maybe this is just my typical morose worrying at play. But I'm thinking that this is my midlife crisis.

About 6 weeks ago or so, I fell down in the hallway at home and landed HARD on my knees. Since the surface is vinyl on top of concrete, there was nothing to cushion the fall. Since then I've had a lot of pain in my left knee, not so much when I'm walking, but when it's in one position for a period of time. I can't bear to flex it to sit cross legged on the floor. And that's a problem, since most of my therapy work is done on the floor. Meanwhile, that ongoing problem with mobility that I've had for several years has come back with a vengeance. The muscle cramping in my legs decreased when I stopped taking a medication that I'd been on for years (and I have a lot of anger that no doctor ever made the connection between this medication and many problems I had which were side effects of the medicine, including the muscle cramps, the high blood sugar, high triglycerides, and severe anxiety). But although the cramping has decreased, when I walk or stand for an extended period of time, my legs go numb and there is a tightness in my hips like spasticity. It was so bad when we went to the Main Street festival, that I thought I wasn't going to get back to my car!

Anyway, I don't want to bore you with my medical problems. My point is that I am beginning to get quite worried about how I will manage to keep doing this type of work until I'm 67 or 70. It simply has never hit me so realistically that it might not be possible to perform the physical demands of the job at some point...working on the floor, lifting kids, carrying equipment from house to house, etc. And if at some point I can't do the work, what will I do?

I'm also facing another aspect of the midlife crisis...having to consider that there are some things I've always wanted to do in my life that I might not be able to do. Living abroad, moving to the country, travelling, making a mark on the world...when I finally have the time, will I have the energy? And there are all the other limitations...the necessity of living someplace where Gabriel's and Marcus' needs can be met, the considerations of medical insurance and medical care, staying near my mother to help her as long as she's alive.

And right now I'm part of that sandwich generation...helping my mother and my disabled kids. I feel a lot of stress due to the fact that I want to do more to make Marcus' and Gabriel's lives fuller, and I feel like I'm not doing enough. I probably ought to do more to help my mother, but sometimes I have to admit it's a struggle because of the conflicting emotions I feel. It's difficult to watch a parent grow old and become less and less like a parent, to watch them become more and more self-centered as their world shrinks. I miss having a parent who acknowledges my birthday or cares if I don't feel well.

So I struggle. I know I have to do more than whine about all of this. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that nothing gets done, because I don't know where to start. I think it's time to sit down and make some very methodical plans, to start charting a deliberate course, one step at a time. I feel like I've been drifting too long...

This week I heard that a woman at my former church passed away after having a stroke. She was only a couple of years older than me. I read her obituary online, and it led me to consider the impossible task of summarizing a loved one's life in a few short paragraphs. I began to ponder what my own obit should say and what it would say, depending on which family member writes it. I think it's better if I write my own. Trouble is, I'd better allocate a generous sum to pay for a full page.

Galen G passed away on _________________. She was born in Fort Worth, Texas on May 19, 1952. She was fond of saying that she was part of the last generation to have a real childhood. As a child, she adored horses, reading, playing Indian, riding her bike, and going to Girl Scout camp.

Throughout her school years, she was an excellent student, making only two "B"s in 12 years of schooling. She taught herself to read the summer before entering first grade. In junior high, she first became interested in the Russian language, after seeing the movie, "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming." This interest was something of a turning point in her life, as it led her 30 years later to adopt 3 children from Russia. In high school, she was interested in history and politics and protested the Vietnam War. She graduated valedictorian in 1970 and delivered a controversial address at graduation, which the local school board recognized by passing new rules for graduation the next spring, penalizing commencement speakers who deviated from their approved texts.

Galen attended Rice University in Houston, Texas, graduating magna cum laude in 1974 with a BA in History. At Rice, she finally had the chance to study the Russian language in earnest. During the summer of 1973, she spent 3 months in Yugoslavia as part of a summer study program.

Armed with a BA in History and no marketable skills, in the middle of a recession, Galen found a job as an attendant at a state institution for the mentally retarded. This came to be another turning point, as it was her introduction to people with disabilities and to occupational therapy. She fell in love with the children under her care, eventually taking one of them home as a foster child. She attended Texas Woman's University to pursue a Master's degree in Occupational Therapy, which she obtained in 1978.

Galen began working as a pediatric occupational therapist in 1978, spending 25 years in the public schools before moving to pediatric home health. In 1981 she adopted her first child, Jesse. Over the course of the next 15 years, she adopted 9 more children who were considered "hard to place" because of their disabilities, race, or age, wanting simply to give them the chance for a family and a normal life. She saw them through more than 25 surgeries or hospitalizations and advocated for them at school. Together they enjoyed concerts, museums, state parks, and the beach on Padre Island.

Galen's spiritual journey led her through various churches, including Methodist, Unitarian, Friends, and Lutheran, but she lost her faith when she watched her dear Aunt Jing lose everything to Alzheimers. She was unable to reconcile a belief in an omnipotent, loving God with such cruel suffering.

In later years, Galen's passions were her dogs, her horse, gardening, exploring state parks, writing poetry, and the internet. As a child of the 50s, she never lost her sense of wonder over the power of the internet to provide instant communication and information and to connect the world.

Galen is survived by the four sons who remain part of her life: Jesse, Marcus, Gabriel, and Tevis.